Missing gamer boy on his 10th bday

My blog hasn't been updated In a while.  My divorce from he who shall not be named is final.  Though he continues to attempt to use me for narcissistic supply.  It's funny. He tells me that I am the narcissist.  Because I've been so desperately gas lighted by him I have to choke back not believing it because he's made me question everything I am.

Captain Handsome just tells me he who shall not be named is of "limited means."  I think he means big ass loser, but he's too sweet to say it.

So in honor of my beloved gamer boy...I offer you the following.  Fathers rights be damned. Kinda.

Hard hard day. I'm really glad I opted to just do for me today.  This is hitting me a bit more than I thought it would to be honest.  I'm all for dads rights just so you dads out there know I'm not a hater but let me tell you why I am biased.

I was in hard labor with Gamer boy for forty hours.  In my 23rd week I found out I had gestational diabetes.  Five shots a day for almost 9 months.  By my calculations, my then husband participated in about 12 seconds of the creation of that child and I did the rest.

I was in hard labor with Scooter girl for 24 hours.  My diabetes returned by week 11.  Five shots a day again and it never went away.  Now I am diabetic.  I also feel like about 12 seconds of this was my husband.  "Wake me up when you start to push". And he slept damn near this entire labor.

I did manage to puke on he who shall not be named both times during the final moments.  Tres proud.

In his defense he did alternate nights with me when the kids were tiny. I'd of died otherwise.  About three months after Scooter girl, my joints started to change and deform in my hands and my arthritis, which had been teasing me for four years, became full blown.

So yeah. My position is biased. Maybe I was young and naive. I didn't have diabetes in my family so it wasn't even a thought.  Genes can be funny.

So to sum up, I believe in fathers rights only to a point.  I love my children more than life itself.  However, I gave up everything to have them, my health being the biggest thing. My ex, who did nothing to help with the other important things like shopping, maintaining the household, or even looking at me when I spoke, now does his father of the year role with such glee I just want to smack him.  If I didn't have you all to help me through I would be dire.  

I know children benefit from a relationship with both parents and I don't negate that.  It's the hypocrisy, the overall lies and bullcrap that make me question.  I'm not bitter over the loss of my marriage.  I'm bitter over the loss of my soul. 13 years taking care of a third child while being ignored and pretending everything is normal takes a toll.

And yes. My kids belong with me on their birthdays and every other special occasion because in my opinion, no one, and I mean no one, has earned that but me.

And my battle scarred belly that will never reelasticize and look like it did in 2003.

Mommyhood vs. He who shall not be named

I suppose it's about time I bring you a blog about my marriage.  It really helps explain yet another facet of my sarcasm and cynicism.

He who shall not be named was not a manly husband.  Husbands are suppose to keep on top of home maintenance, car maintenance, etc.  Let me be frank.  My entire marriage consisted of me being not so much a wife but a mommy he slept with.  I took care of all the cars, home, etc.  I remember when he who shall not be named was unemployed.  I said to him " hey, since you're not working, do you think you could help me out by loading the dishwasher?"  And his response was the ridiculous "no. You only love me for what I can do for you, not for who I am."

Well. At that point he wasn't completely wring.  Who is gonna love a lazy sack of crap?

Anyway.  During the marriage, we had more than one time when his wallet got left at home, when he forgot to pay his registration, etc.  Adhering to adult responsibilities was simply not something, and still is not something, he is capable of doing,  One particular time, he dropped me off at work and left his wallet for some reason in the roof of his car.  Within about an hour his name was broadcast all over the call center for which I was working and I went and reclaimed said wallet.

Our divorce has taken forever.  We made it to the mediation phase and the big hang up was our parenting plan. You see, he who shall not be named does not feel he should pay child support so he has been fighting the process for almost a year.  What do you think happened after court clinic? He who shall not be named locked his keys in his car.  Not a lost wallet I grant you but still.

I helped him.

God is very merciful.  He gently reminds you why things are as they are.  In my case, I am now with a man who doesn't lose his wallet and is happy to help out around the house because he loves me.

When my children were born my mother expressed concern that he who shall not be named might actually lose them.

I told Captain Handsome that he who shall not be named (or capitalized) locked his keys in his car at court and I thought he would have a mini stroke laughing.  Then he kindly says "you know baby, some people are just absent minded like that."  My sweet pilot.

Thank you God for small favors.

Mommyhood vs. the traveling pilot

Captain Handsome has been gone this week.  Tomorrow is 8 days and I am beginning to jones.

Things I miss due to having a boyfriend pilot (he's gone a lot!)

1. Good food.  When Captain Handsome is home, we eat well.  When he is gone, I make sandwiches.

2. Random suitcases.  Living with a pilot means an ever packed suitcase ready to go out the door.

3. Blog material.  Lets be honest.  Captain Handsome is a never ending supply if hilarity and I, quite frankly, couldn't even try to come up with some of the shit he says and does.

4.  It's quiet.  And I mean, really quiet.  CH never stops moving and fiddling about which gamer boy, scooter girl, the Barkfart, and myself, do not do.  We hit the couch like potatoes after a long day and CH just keeps on going.

5. Pilot time. 'Nuff said.

6. Toiletries.  When he is gone, the bathroom is empty and it doesn't have that sweet Captain Handsome shower gel smell that you cannot duplicate.

Things you must master due to having a boyfriend pilot

1. Patience.  Pilots are a very different but amazing breed.

2. Flexibility.  Captain Handsome's schedule changes on a dime.  Romantic date? Important celebration? He will get a call and you will be celebrating alone.

3. TRUST.  You have to know your partner is totally faithful and rely on them to maintain contact. Tonight I got a phone message from CH, who I thought was in one city, but turns out, he was in another, and loved and missed us.

4. Time zones. Zomg.

I could go on but you get the gist.

Mommy hood vs. Captain Handsome

Captain Handsome is a very good pilot.  That being said, my darling love is still a pilot.  They are like little engineers in the sky.  They are very type A and painfully organized with regards to flying.  Most pilots are devilishly sexy.  I know mine is...in addition to being incomprehensibly smart.  There doesn't seem to be anything my pilot can't do.

Except exist in the same time continuum in which myself and the kids exist.

Don't get me wrong.  My love for Captain Handsome far outweighs any weirdness but there is one unique caveat to this.

I call it Pilot Time.

Because my beloved is always on call, he exists by no clock.  When he is tired he sleeps. When he is hungry he eats.  There are no actual clocks or schedules on pilot time.  The 8-5 world simply does not exist.

We cope pretty well despite our schedule differences but CH many times isn't ready to eat at 5pm because he has just woken up!

I know other pilot partners go through this same thing.  The crazy schedule, the perpetually packed overnight bag always ready for a call....it's comforting to know there is a non 8-5 subculture that quietly exists with me.

Fly safe, baby.  Remember to wear your watch.

Mommyhood vs. the asthma attack

Fair readers...I've been absent from 

You a few days.

You see, Mommyhood has a special set of ailments. Arthritis, t2 diabetes, and this year the cream on top of my autoimmune Sunday? Asthma.

I always expected to get arthritis. Genetics determined that one so when it happened I was  mentally prepared to deal with it.  Two gestational diabetic pregnancies from gamer boy and scooter girl sealed my diabetic fate. Imagine three shots of fast acting insulin and one slow acting at bedtime for six months.  That's four shots a day for you higher math junkies. Never question why I am such a cynic folks.  Without this humor I would simply die.

Fast forward to 2013.  In mid 2012, he who shall not be named was caught by Mommyhood texting his home wrecker....what to call her? She is almost not deserving of a nickname.  I caught these texts and researched. He who shall not be named was sending over 7000 text messages per month to the home wrecker and not even answering mine. The point I am trying to make here is that my asthmatic status and onset directly coincide with he who shall not be named leaving the picture and becoming the thorn in my proverbial lung. Asthmatic humor. Gotta love it.

I admit the stress was overwhelming and I started smoking again in late February 2013.  I wasn't smoking a ton but for my already exhausted and stressed body it was definitely not what I needed but it seemed to take the edge off so I was all for it.

I met Captain Handsome by fluke a month after he who shall not be named bailed. Now make no mistake. I tried to get he who shall not be named to come home eight times and one more before my relationship with CH was sealed.  Every time he told me no.  Every time he told me I had to change my materialistic ways.  He who shall not be named caused me severe stress I blew off...but obviously it was inside, festering.

Captain Handsome was by my side immediately and knew I was very broken.  He was with me nearly nightly though retained his own residence until about six months later when he moved in.  He has told me he knew he was in love with me within about two weeks. He was flying in Peru for about five days and I thought I would die missing him. He came home and we exchanged I love yous and he has been my devoted love ever since.

And devoted he must've been because within a few weeks of being together I had my first full blown asthma attack.

It was like 2am and CH was sleeping quietly next to me. I woke up choking and very disoriented. Captain was on it fast- running for my albuterol and helping me take a few puffs.  I slept fine that night.

The second attack I had I awoke about the same time in the morning. I was nearly unconscious and severly oxygen depleted. My limbs burned and my chest was closed.  I remember struggling to reach over to alert my pilot and when I did he literally had to force the albuterol into me.  It was unrelentingly painful being that oxygen starved and had he not been there I literally might've died.

The third attack I had involved symptoms from the first two attacks. I became cognizant that I was in the bathroom though I have no memory of going there. Captain was again on me like flint and got me breathing.

After spring allergy season it seemed to abate. Emergency albuterol was only used sporadically.

Fast forward then to now. November. My stressors are high. He who shall not be named has deadbeat status and has paid nothing toward the support of the kids for 11 months.  Court clinic is looming. Captain handsome has gone to fly the Vegas hub for a week....add into it my store is coming up on Black Friday, I'm almost out of pto...times are tight....

And kaflooey.  330 am on 11-14 I start to feel tight. My breathing is shallow and erratic. Captain handsome and gamer boy have both had head colds and coughs and so I figured that's what was up with me. I was pissed but didn't feel entirely sick. It was strange.  I labored all day, unable to sleep or rest due to the lack of deep breaths and finally around six pm I said to my children "get your shoes on, now. Mommy needs a doctor."

We were in the car within moments and on our way to urgent care. I texted Captain Handsome and told him I'd gone to urgent care and was having breathing problems. "Where? Location?" He texted back. And within about 30 minutes he was by my side.

My oxygen level was 81. 3 nebulizer treatments later and with oxygen not improving, I was loaded embarrassingly into an ambulance and taken to the ER.  I was on oxygen and two more nebulizer treatments and by now I was shaking out of my skin because as many of you know, albuterol gives quite the buzz. They gave me adivan to bring my happy, wheezing ass, back down.  My family arrived for moral support and Captain Handsome never left my side.

Five hours later I was released.

This experience was horrible and I now have an at home nebulizer. My breathing continues to be terribly strained.

Moral of this blog? Stress can eat you alive, even when you don't think it is.  Find some positive outlets or just do yourself this one big favor.  Make sure your betrothed isn't a scum sucking soul eater BEFORE you marry them.  The repercussions from the stress of escaping your prison are serious and can be life threatening. This whole year I've felt relatively strong.  According to my body, holding onto the fallacy of that strength is causing bronchial stress.  

Be honest and be with your pain. I no longer have a choice.

And yes, for inquiring minds, I have escaped my prison.  

Captain Handsome vs. the Well Chewed Bubble Gum

Never a shortage of blog worthy events in the life of Mommyhood.

Captain Handsome noticed today that I had a brake light out.  Now in my marriage, he would shall not be named never would have helped me. I am not very vehicle smart and I would have been that woman at pep boys begging for assistance.  Captain Handsome, however, is adamant that myself, Gamer Boy, and Scooter Girl, have a safe and reliable vehicle to drive.

I had an appointment and CH didn't want me driving my vehicle with a brake light out so I took his truck.  I love driving his truck. It smells deliciously like his cologne and reminds me blissfully of our first date. Annnnyway......

I got home from my appointment.  Not only had my love fixed my brake light, but he changed my oil and took care of my other car fluids.  Here's the kicker. My angel vacuumed and detailed my car.  This man is my rock!

Due to Captain Handsome's diligence, however, you can imagine some humorous event had to occur.  After I cried and gushed over my vehicle, because my gentle readers, it was like the end days in there. French fries, trash,crumbs, and as I came to learn....gum.

"Can we talk about something?" Says Captain Handsome.

"Of course", I say. "What's up?"

"Gum." Says my love. 

"Gum?" I ask.

"Do Gamer Boy and Scooter Girl...do they know where to put gum after they chew it?"

I looked at him puzzled and amused.  "I would assume so."

"I found 21 pieces of chewed gum in the car." Captain Handsome says, visibly irritated.

"21?" I say, now amused.

"21." Says he. " I found it in the ashtray, stuck between the seats, in the backseat cup holders, in the carpet....." He finishes. Still visibly irritated.

"Uhm.  Do you want to talk to the kids or do you want me to?" I ask.

He immediately replies..."no, I've got this one."

My poor children.

Fast forward twenty minutes as we get home from school. Gamer boy is given a scraper and is scraping gum off the carpet, and Scooter girl is scrubbing out drink holders. Captain Handsome tells the children, "this is your moms car and she uses it to get to work and to pick you up from school. I want it to be nice for her."

Nice for me. The concept of a man loving me enough to do anything like this for me and providing my children (now also his by default) a life lesson in respect, it is just unfathomable.  At this point, I would literally jump off a cliff to make this man happy as he has done for me.

The moral of this blog, dear readers? The moral of this blog is that genetics do not a daddy make. Being a father is about boundaries, teaching moments, respect and trust.  Captain Handsome may not realize the influence and respect he has from my, now definitively our, children.  He may not realize that now, nearly a year later, he is a Daddy.  He has gone from single, freewheeling bachelor, to totally devoted family man in a years time.  His love and devotion to me has caused him to operate outside his comfort zone, to put himself in a father role with compassion and a gentle firmness that my children have absolutely accepted.

I asked Gamer Boy what he thought about Captain Handsome's daddy style and he said,

"Sometimes he really pisses me off, but I really love him."

Out of the mouths of babes.  Captain Handsome has become a parent.

Mommyhood vs. the caffeine withdrawal

Oh gentle readers.

I have learned one thing in my brief hiatus from you.

We could bring down the worlds super powers simply by withholding caffeine.

Captain Handsome accidentally bought me caffeine free diet Pepsi this week.  My free fall through withdrawal hell until I realized what I was drinking has been interesting.

Two days into this I began to experience headaches and a general disdain for life.  I know why you're thinking.  You're thinking, Mommyhood, you always have headaches and a disdain for life.  Yes, but I don't usually have a disdain for ALL life.  See?

Three days into it and I cannot keep my eyes open and have dizziness that would rock any sinus activated vertigo I have ever experienced.

So today I realize, Holy Hell, Captain Handsome, caffeine free!

Let me tell you something about my pilot.  This man does everything with me and the kids in mind, He is the most selfless and loving man and he would literally die for all of us, no joke.  When he purchased said caffeine free beverage, he did it because I have type two diabetes and he wanted it to be good for me.  This is the very same man who bought me a multivitamin (because I am severly immune compromised) handed it to me this morning and said, "here, take this, I love you."

This man is my world.

So now that I have downed an extra strength five hour energy, berry flavor, equivalent of 12 oz of coffee in caffeine content, I am seeing the humor in my caffeine addiction.  This is an addiction I do not plan to quit.

But as most blogging mamas, it got me to thinking.

Yeah, I was thinking.  What of it.

Anyway, it got me to thinking about the worlds super powers, as naturally caffeine withdrawal would. 

What it.....what if, tomorrow, there was no more caffeine.

The interwebs sight caffeine withdrawal symptoms as:

-headache

-fatigue

- dizziness

- lack of concentration

- depression

- flu like symptoms

As a side note- dizziness was my favorite, literally rendering me non functional.

Anyway, with our currently nuclear armed world, take my assumption that suddenly the world has no caffeine.

Apply above symptoms to:

Obama, Putin, Ahmadinejad, Kim Jong II.

How long before someone pushes the button?

How long before someone misplaces the cancellation codes?

How long before we reeeeaaallly fuck up as a society and get rid of term limits and reelect Obama?

This blog was meant to be funny but in actuality, our caffeine dependence is anything but.

Now pass me my damn diet Pepsi.

My drugs of choice.