Missing gamer boy on his 10th bday

My blog hasn't been updated In a while.  My divorce from he who shall not be named is final.  Though he continues to attempt to use me for narcissistic supply.  It's funny. He tells me that I am the narcissist.  Because I've been so desperately gas lighted by him I have to choke back not believing it because he's made me question everything I am.

Captain Handsome just tells me he who shall not be named is of "limited means."  I think he means big ass loser, but he's too sweet to say it.

So in honor of my beloved gamer boy...I offer you the following.  Fathers rights be damned. Kinda.

Hard hard day. I'm really glad I opted to just do for me today.  This is hitting me a bit more than I thought it would to be honest.  I'm all for dads rights just so you dads out there know I'm not a hater but let me tell you why I am biased.

I was in hard labor with Gamer boy for forty hours.  In my 23rd week I found out I had gestational diabetes.  Five shots a day for almost 9 months.  By my calculations, my then husband participated in about 12 seconds of the creation of that child and I did the rest.

I was in hard labor with Scooter girl for 24 hours.  My diabetes returned by week 11.  Five shots a day again and it never went away.  Now I am diabetic.  I also feel like about 12 seconds of this was my husband.  "Wake me up when you start to push". And he slept damn near this entire labor.

I did manage to puke on he who shall not be named both times during the final moments.  Tres proud.

In his defense he did alternate nights with me when the kids were tiny. I'd of died otherwise.  About three months after Scooter girl, my joints started to change and deform in my hands and my arthritis, which had been teasing me for four years, became full blown.

So yeah. My position is biased. Maybe I was young and naive. I didn't have diabetes in my family so it wasn't even a thought.  Genes can be funny.

So to sum up, I believe in fathers rights only to a point.  I love my children more than life itself.  However, I gave up everything to have them, my health being the biggest thing. My ex, who did nothing to help with the other important things like shopping, maintaining the household, or even looking at me when I spoke, now does his father of the year role with such glee I just want to smack him.  If I didn't have you all to help me through I would be dire.  

I know children benefit from a relationship with both parents and I don't negate that.  It's the hypocrisy, the overall lies and bullcrap that make me question.  I'm not bitter over the loss of my marriage.  I'm bitter over the loss of my soul. 13 years taking care of a third child while being ignored and pretending everything is normal takes a toll.

And yes. My kids belong with me on their birthdays and every other special occasion because in my opinion, no one, and I mean no one, has earned that but me.

And my battle scarred belly that will never reelasticize and look like it did in 2003.