Dark mommy vs. the too tight pants

In my existence there is a certain level of FML.  I'm not gonna lie.  I do idiotic and insanely off putting things all the time.  Today is such a moment.

It was conference call time at work and at the same time one of my employees was going home for the day and needed a bag check.  I was planning to come home and take my conference call on my phone in the car.  I had planned so my assistant would get her lunch break before I left.  She was eating her sandwich when the call for the bag check came in and I had just logged into my cell phone to do my conference call.  Dialed the number, put in the pass code, and, over the radio, "I need a manager to do a bag check please."

What's a girl who has had two kids and no memory or coordination left to do?

I say to my assistant, "here's my phone, I'm gonna do the bag check.  When she (my boss) logs in, just hit mute."

And I run out to the sales floor to do the bag check.

I run back to the break room to pick up my phone and sit down at the table exclaiming to my assistant, " dang, this zipper is stabbing my fat roll!"

I sit down and only then to I realize, I am in total conference and every one of my manager peers has heard me exclaim that my zipper is stabbing my fat roll.  My assistant is cracking up laughing.

Epic fail.

Typical me.

Now I am at home, on the couch, in my fat pants.

Store managers that openly exclaim their zippers are stabbing their fat rolls deserve to spend time on the couch in their fat pants.

Now hand me a cookie.